The Difference Between Discipline vs Punishment
Discipline vs Punishment
The original definition of discipline was a means of instruction. Unfortunately, now when we use the word, discipline, we often think and hear punishment in some form. But discipline can happen without trauma triggering punishments.
The five goals of discipline are to:
Keep the child safe
Help the child learn right from wrong
Help the child develop self control
Help the child learn and master new abilities
Develop and strengthen the child’s relationship with the caregiver
These five tenets of discipline are true for all children, but especially for children in foster care. As many have suffered trauma from maltreatment or abuse, a zero tolerance, strong arm approach to discipline will generally become a trauma trigger causing the child to move into the re-experiencing phase where their behavior is overtaken by emotions, and they can seem unmanageable.
Let's look at the difference between punishment and discipline.
In this table, the word reactive means we only handle the situation in the moment, whereas proactive means we handle the situation in the moment and teach skills for the future. A penalty can be seen as making the child pay for their mistakes, whereas a corrective action helps a child to learn from their mistakes.
I cannot say this enough - all behavior is communication. Behavior does not define the child's personality, morality, or ethics. It does not label a child as good or bad. Once we understand what the child is trying to say through their behavior, we can begin to teach them how to communicate with words, not actions.
The next three areas in the table are all interrelated and have to do with the child's sense of their own abilities. When we allow the child to have some control, they begin to learn the important skills of self-regulation. A child who is denied control will grow up believing they cannot change behavior and will struggle all the way into, and possibly through, adulthood. A child who is given some limited control will learn that mistakes are natural and that we can learn from any mistake so that we don't make them again.
If you remember our goals for discipline, the last goal was to develop and strengthen the relationship between child and caregiver. Giving the child limited control is a step in the right direction. It shows that you trust them and they will begin to trust that you will not be like any adult that might have abused or mistreated them previously.
Conscious Discipline
Conscious Discipline focuses on mindfulness, recognizing what is in our own power to control and letting go of what is out of our control. There are seven powers and seven skills that work together to transform discipline to learning moments.
The power of perception is recognizing that no one can make you angry without your permission. In other words, you always have control of your reactions to other people and events.When we use our perception to take responsibility for our own actions, we build our ability to maintain our composure in tough situations.
The power of unity is recognizing that we are all in this together. In other words, the family is a unit and if one member of the unit is struggling, the entire unit struggles. When we recognize that we are all important members of the family unit, we will begin to encourage and support each other in more meaningful ways.
The power of attention is recognizing that whatever we focus on, we get more of. In other words, if you always expect negative results, you will get negative results. If you focus on positive results, you are likely to get positive results. When we focus on the positives, we move away from reacting aggressively towards move towards others and moving towards being assertive in our needs. The difference is when you are aggressive, you are reacting from emotion. When you are assertive, you are still standing up for yourself, but you are rational and in control.
The power of free will is recognizing that the only person you can change is you. In other words, that annoying coworker is always going to be annoying, but you can choose not to let him annoy you. When you acknowledge that you can only change you, you start to focus on the choices you can make, knowing you always have choices can be very freeing, even if the choices are limited.
The power of acceptance is accepting that the world will not always go our way. All we can do is live in the present moment. When we accept that sometimes we just have to live in the moment, we learn to empathize with others. Just as no one really knows what you are going through, you do not know what others are going through. Maybe they are just trying to get through the present moment too.
The power of love is when we choose to see the best in everyone. Just like the power of attention, if we focus on the positive in others, we are more likely to see those positives. When we choose to see the best in others, we are more likely to also assume their intentions are positive. This can lead to greater cooperation and joint problem solving.
The power of intention is recognizing that mistakes are chances for us to learn. Every person at any age can learn and grow from their mistakes. When we understand that mistakes are chances for us to learn, we see consequences also as chances for us to learn. We learn that most consequences are minor and we stop fearing making mistakes.
Principles of Positive Parenting
Discipline and positive parenting go hand in hand. To be a positive parent, you need to use three discipline practices: rules, corrective actions, and natural and logical consequences.
Setting Reasonable Rules
The best form of discipline is prevention. Setting up your home with clear rules and consistently enforcing them will often stop negative behaviors before they start. Children will test rules, but if they know you are serious and are not going to make exceptions, and the rules are reasonable, they will come to accept them and even follow them.
Reasonable rules are easy to follow, easy to enforce, and are within the skillset of the child. Start with two or three of the most important rules and establish those before adding more.
Sometimes we make rules without realizing that the child does not have the skills to follow the rule. For example, if you have a rule that the children in the home are in charge of loading and unloading the dishwasher, but the new foster children has never used one before, they're likely to fail. You may have to show them how to use the dishwasher more than once before they're comfortable with it.
Other times we might place a rule out of a child's control. Saying be asleep by 10:00 PM is not realistic because we can't control when we actually fall asleep. But be in bed by 10:00 PM is a rule children can follow.
Again, our thoughts and feelings are not controllable either. So, making a rule that says you will love your sister is not reasonable. Making a rule that says you will speak to and treat your sister kindly is more reasonable. Just be sure to explain what you mean by kindly.
Finally it is very hard for children to break rules that they create, so involve them in the process.
Corrective Actions
Every child will test the rules and children of trauma may become triggered easily and suddenly they cannot even remember the rules. When this happens, we do need to take action, but we need to do it in a way that helps the child.
If we see a child starting to behave inappropriately, try distracting them first. This is especially useful for younger children. Keep something nearby that you know they enjoy (a book they love, art materials, a game they like) and substitute their current activity for the new one.
For older children you might try persuasion. Say something like, I can see you're getting upset, why don't you do blank until you calm down. Suggest something you know they like to do or you know helps them calm down.
If those techniques do not work, try a time in. Unlike a timeout where the child is isolated, a time in builds the relationship between you and the child and can work at any age. During a time in the child stays with you doing an activity of your choosing. This is a great time to teach them about using the dishwasher or washing machine. Maybe you can work on some homework. The goal of the time in is for them to stay in your sight so that you can ensure their behaviors do not escalate.
If a child damages or steals property or injure someone else, then restitution is a good technique to use. Restitution means that they act to undo the damage they caused. In the case of damaged or stolen property, they may have to do chores or tasks to pay back the owner of the property. If they injure a person, then they need to apologize and possibly help that person. If they cannot provide restitution directly because of safety or other reasons, then consider having them volunteer somewhere. Seeing other people in need often changes their perspective.
For children who like to push limits, it is tempting to withdraw privileges. And while they may remember they lost their gaming privilege for a few days, they may not remember why. So instead, try earning privileges. For example, let's say the child consistently argues about turning off their game at 9:00 PM so they can be in bed by 9:30. Instead of saying, “if you do not turn off your game and be in bed by 9:30, you will lose your game for a week.” Try saying, “if your game is off and you are in bed by 9:30 every night this week, you can earn an extra 30 minutes of game time for Friday and Saturday night.” They will connect the 9:30 bedtime rule with turning off their game and it becomes a goal to strive for, not a power struggle.
Natural and Logical Consequences
Natural consequences just happen whereas logical consequences are consequences related specifically to the behavior. We can warn children of the consequences of their actions, but sometimes these are just lessons they need to experience to learn.
We often protect our children from natural consequences. For example, we have warned them several times that if they leave their bikes out, they might get stolen or damaged. And when they still leave them out, we bring them in to the garage. Sometimes the only way a child can learn is through experiencing the natural consequence. So next time they leave their bike out, leave it there. It may make it through the night just fine. But if they leave it out often enough, it's very likely it will get rained or snowed on. It's a hard lesson, but remember, we cannot protect them forever, and it is better to learn some lessons in a safe environment like your home, than when they are an adult and out on their own.
The best way to create a logical consequence is to be sure both you and the child are calm. Talk with the child about the negative behavior and ask what they would want to happen if they were the ones that the behavior had happened to. Make sure the consequence is immediate, within 24 hours, and short term. If you wait too long or have it last too many days, they will forget what behavior is being corrected.
Rethinking Discipline
Remember, the five goals of discipline are to:
Keep the child safe
Help the child learn right from wrong
Help the child develop self control
Help the child learn and master new abilities
Develop and strengthen the child’s relationship with the caregiver
All children, but especially children with trauma, will learn to modify their behavior through conscious discipline and positive parenting. Punishments only trigger trauma responses and undermine the child's sense of safety and connection.
